I know this really isn't my designated "poor Marcie can't have a baby" blog, but its about my life, so I get to talk about it here.
The desire to be a mom is constant. I long to hold a baby in my arms. The term "baby" is fluid though...an infant. A two-year old. A seven-year-old. I can picture myself sitting on the floor of our apartment, tickling a baby's tummy, giggles filling the room. I can picture myself with a kindergartener, teaching him or her how to tie shoes. Poorly, according to my mother. I can picture myself hand-in-hand with a second grader walking along a deer trail in the woods, looking for colorful leaves, acorns, and signs of other wildlife, answering all the "Why, mama?" type questions I'm able to.
I can see all those things.
But the issue is that I don't always picture the same child. Sometimes I see a little girl with dark, bouncy curls, Ryan's brown eyes, and a joyful spirit making rivers with stolen spoons in the sanbox in the back yard.
Other times, I picture us with a boy with dark skin, and a crown of tight, black curls having a hard time sitting still during the sermon at church, but singing every praise song and hymn with the most beautiful, angelic voice.
I don't necessarily know how the road to parenthood will "end." I don't know how we're going to get there. I don't know if our next round of fertility treatments is going to work. I don't know if God is going to lay it on our hearts to bring a child into our family through the miracle of adoption.
All I know is that the desire to be a parent weighs heavily on my heart. Its a desire I never thought I'd have, or that I'd long to have fulfilled...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Possibilities
I have taught for a while now. This is what...the beginning of my 8th year of teaching.
I've had 7 groups of my OWN kids, and one group of two entire grade levels at a school. I've never had a group of children who have so...deeply CHANGED me. My 16 kids this year have reached their dirty, sticky little fingers down into my soul and touched me in a way I never thought possible.
I just...I think God brought them into my life at this exact time because they're what I needed. They're teaching me patience. I kind of lost my patience with a student today, and my voice got louder, and they looked at me like I was nuts. While I am nuts, I think in past years I tended to YELL more when I needed attention. I don't do that this year. I find myself down on my knees talking to a student about a behavior rather than towering over them, and lowering my voice when I need to get attention or have a discussion with a child. My students taught me that.
I've learned to be positive. I put the positivity in my voice. I get excited about what kids are learning and what I'm teaching. I want my students to leave my classroom loving school. My kiddos give me that desire.
Like any situation in life, I bond more with some children than others. Adults do that, too. I've bonded more with some colleagues than others. I love them all, but I like some of them more than others. :) My students are absolutely amazing, and I am blessed to have them in my life. I hope that *I* am a blessing in theirs. I hope that they are able to look back as adults and remember me as someone who made an impact in their lives. A POSITIVE impact. I hope they know that they are loved, and that I see the individual gifts and talents that each of them have.
I've had 7 groups of my OWN kids, and one group of two entire grade levels at a school. I've never had a group of children who have so...deeply CHANGED me. My 16 kids this year have reached their dirty, sticky little fingers down into my soul and touched me in a way I never thought possible.
I just...I think God brought them into my life at this exact time because they're what I needed. They're teaching me patience. I kind of lost my patience with a student today, and my voice got louder, and they looked at me like I was nuts. While I am nuts, I think in past years I tended to YELL more when I needed attention. I don't do that this year. I find myself down on my knees talking to a student about a behavior rather than towering over them, and lowering my voice when I need to get attention or have a discussion with a child. My students taught me that.
I've learned to be positive. I put the positivity in my voice. I get excited about what kids are learning and what I'm teaching. I want my students to leave my classroom loving school. My kiddos give me that desire.
Like any situation in life, I bond more with some children than others. Adults do that, too. I've bonded more with some colleagues than others. I love them all, but I like some of them more than others. :) My students are absolutely amazing, and I am blessed to have them in my life. I hope that *I* am a blessing in theirs. I hope that they are able to look back as adults and remember me as someone who made an impact in their lives. A POSITIVE impact. I hope they know that they are loved, and that I see the individual gifts and talents that each of them have.
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