I've been a Christian for over 20 years.
I'd love to tell you I'm an avid Bible-reader and church-goer, but I'm not. I think I'm more upset with myself about the Bible-reading than the church-going, although both are important. If I want to know God intimately, and know what He has to say about EVERYTHING, I know where I need to. And I don't do that. Shame on me.
I really noticed today how mean I am. And hateful. And resentful. What is wrong with me? Ryan tells me I snap at people. I don't feel like I do, but it doesn't really matter what I *FEEL*, it matters what people are perceiving. For instance, Ryan went with me to my podiatrist. I took my sock and boot off for him to look at, and he was trying to put my sock back on for me, and I said "Give me that! I can do that!" I thought I said it in a joking tone, but Ryan took it as snappish.
I don't FEEL snappish. I think I tend to joke much more than I'm grumpy. But I guess if people don't know that about me, they're not going to get the message I'm sending.
I really want to get a tattoo somewhere *I* can see that says "Shut up, Marcie." Because that's what I need to do. I want the words that I say to be encouraging, positive, and uplifting, and I fear that more often than not, they are just the opposite. I want to be one of those people that listens ten times more than what they say.
So I need to watch what's happening in my head. If there's mean, resentful stuff starting to creep in there about other people, I need to turn on the self-talk to shut up. I need to be able to change the direction of my thoughts to more positive things...
Because I'm a Christian, and I love my brothers and sisters. We're all made in God's image, whether or not we hold the same beliefs...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
WHY?
Sometimes I want to shake my fist at God. I know He'd understand my railing, or rather, I know he UNDERSTANDS my railing at what I perceive to be the world's injustices.
See, I don't understand why it seems like the "fertiles" of the world are all on some type of state or federal "assistance." My husband and I work our BUTTS off. We both went to college, and we both have multiple degrees. And I think that compared to the rest of the world, we make quite a bit of money. But that doesn't mean we don't have limits. We've made our financial mistakes and now we're trying to fix the financial mistakes. The motorcycle is paid off, the trailer is paid off, student loans are getting paid off, and the car is getting paid off, etc., etc. We don't borrow money any more, and we live within our means. We don't buy huge luxury items we don't need anymore. I'm not going to lie and say that we never eat out and we never buy some kind of junk we don't need. We do. But, we generally budget for it and can afford it.
There is a point to this, I promise. So, with all of that, I don't understand why I have to pay for "fertiles'" cigarettes, rent, clothing, and food, not to mention their healthcare, and the children that they continue to have, even though they are not able to independently afford said children.
See, my husband and I struggle with infertility. We have been trying to conceive for two years now, to no avail. So we're moving on to more invasive medical procedures to try to have a child that we CAN afford. But, you see, our medical insurance, that WE pay for, doesn't cover these infertility treatments. We have to pay out of pocket to try to do something that most people have absolutely NOT issues accomplishing. I'm not talking $100, or $500. I'm talking $15,000. The price of a small, brand-new vehicle. To try to have a baby. That I will NOT expect the general, American public to support. And there is no guarantee that those treatments will work and we will end up with a child.
How does that make sense? My tax dollars go to support people who reproduce outside of their means, but there is SIGNIFICANT cost involved for me to try to have a child that I will wholly support. There is debt involved for me to try to have a child. There are no handouts for me.
And it's a handout. I don't mind my tax dollars benefiting those who need a hand UP. I don't mind my dollars going to help WORKING families with daycare costs or housing costs, or even food costs. People who are TRYING to make it, and TRYING to make better lives for their children. People who hold on to their jobs, and don't purposely get themselves fired so that they can qualify for unemployment benefits on top of the assistance they already get.
Because I work darn hard. And I don't think its fair that people on public assistance have a better, higher standard of living than I do. I think that my money should go for ME to try to have a baby, not for people that can't afford to have children to reproduce like bunnies.
What it comes down to is this: get a job. Go to work REGULARLY. Pay your bills. Don't buy crap you can't afford. Don't expect for the general public to finance your sorry existence. Buy and use condoms correctly until you know you will be able to afford your child without having to rely on the hundreds of millions of other Americans to take care of you and your child.
And when I have to pay for your child, I'm sorry, but don't expect me to jump for joy and lavish your child with gifts. My gift to you is the cigarettes in your pocket and the formula in your kid's gut. And when I do have my own child and I'm FULLY taking care of that child by myself, I will look down on you, and think you less of a person because you choose not to, and you expect everyone else to bail you out of your stupidity.
Okay. I'm sorry. I know that was particularly ugly. But this is something that REALLY upsets me, and I was hoping that writing down my internal ranting would help me to process my feelings and hopefully let it go. I'll let you know how that goes. :)
See, I don't understand why it seems like the "fertiles" of the world are all on some type of state or federal "assistance." My husband and I work our BUTTS off. We both went to college, and we both have multiple degrees. And I think that compared to the rest of the world, we make quite a bit of money. But that doesn't mean we don't have limits. We've made our financial mistakes and now we're trying to fix the financial mistakes. The motorcycle is paid off, the trailer is paid off, student loans are getting paid off, and the car is getting paid off, etc., etc. We don't borrow money any more, and we live within our means. We don't buy huge luxury items we don't need anymore. I'm not going to lie and say that we never eat out and we never buy some kind of junk we don't need. We do. But, we generally budget for it and can afford it.
There is a point to this, I promise. So, with all of that, I don't understand why I have to pay for "fertiles'" cigarettes, rent, clothing, and food, not to mention their healthcare, and the children that they continue to have, even though they are not able to independently afford said children.
See, my husband and I struggle with infertility. We have been trying to conceive for two years now, to no avail. So we're moving on to more invasive medical procedures to try to have a child that we CAN afford. But, you see, our medical insurance, that WE pay for, doesn't cover these infertility treatments. We have to pay out of pocket to try to do something that most people have absolutely NOT issues accomplishing. I'm not talking $100, or $500. I'm talking $15,000. The price of a small, brand-new vehicle. To try to have a baby. That I will NOT expect the general, American public to support. And there is no guarantee that those treatments will work and we will end up with a child.
How does that make sense? My tax dollars go to support people who reproduce outside of their means, but there is SIGNIFICANT cost involved for me to try to have a child that I will wholly support. There is debt involved for me to try to have a child. There are no handouts for me.
And it's a handout. I don't mind my tax dollars benefiting those who need a hand UP. I don't mind my dollars going to help WORKING families with daycare costs or housing costs, or even food costs. People who are TRYING to make it, and TRYING to make better lives for their children. People who hold on to their jobs, and don't purposely get themselves fired so that they can qualify for unemployment benefits on top of the assistance they already get.
Because I work darn hard. And I don't think its fair that people on public assistance have a better, higher standard of living than I do. I think that my money should go for ME to try to have a baby, not for people that can't afford to have children to reproduce like bunnies.
What it comes down to is this: get a job. Go to work REGULARLY. Pay your bills. Don't buy crap you can't afford. Don't expect for the general public to finance your sorry existence. Buy and use condoms correctly until you know you will be able to afford your child without having to rely on the hundreds of millions of other Americans to take care of you and your child.
And when I have to pay for your child, I'm sorry, but don't expect me to jump for joy and lavish your child with gifts. My gift to you is the cigarettes in your pocket and the formula in your kid's gut. And when I do have my own child and I'm FULLY taking care of that child by myself, I will look down on you, and think you less of a person because you choose not to, and you expect everyone else to bail you out of your stupidity.
Okay. I'm sorry. I know that was particularly ugly. But this is something that REALLY upsets me, and I was hoping that writing down my internal ranting would help me to process my feelings and hopefully let it go. I'll let you know how that goes. :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Day Thirty
A picture of someone I miss:
This is my cousin Bill. He died in October 2006. He was the brother I never had. I still want to beat him. But I love him.
This is my cousin Bill. He died in October 2006. He was the brother I never had. I still want to beat him. But I love him.
Day Twenty-Nine
A picture of someone who can always make me smile:
My beloved husband. And you'll never guess why. LOL :)
Day Twenty-Eight
A picture of something I'm afraid of:
Liberals. Socialist Liberals. They terrify me. And what terrifies me more is socialist liberals who expect to be handed everything. You know what irks me off? That I have to pay $15,000 to even ATTEMPT to have a baby, but I'm paying for them to reproduce freely, plus I have to feed and clothe their children, too. It irks me off. Sorry. Rant off.
Liberals. Socialist Liberals. They terrify me. And what terrifies me more is socialist liberals who expect to be handed everything. You know what irks me off? That I have to pay $15,000 to even ATTEMPT to have a baby, but I'm paying for them to reproduce freely, plus I have to feed and clothe their children, too. It irks me off. Sorry. Rant off.
Day Twenty-Seven
A picture of myself and a family member:
These are pictures of my Grandma Matson and me, taken Christmas 2009. Grandma's been gone almost a year, and its still kind of hard to believe. She was such an amazing woman. I don't think that there was anything she couldn't do. She could comfort a crying baby, and in the next instant gut and pluck a chicken. She could cook and bake like no one's business. If all else failed, I could always count on Grandma to tell me like it is.
These are pictures of my Grandma Matson and me, taken Christmas 2009. Grandma's been gone almost a year, and its still kind of hard to believe. She was such an amazing woman. I don't think that there was anything she couldn't do. She could comfort a crying baby, and in the next instant gut and pluck a chicken. She could cook and bake like no one's business. If all else failed, I could always count on Grandma to tell me like it is.
Day Twenty-Six
A picture of something that means a lot to me:
Where do I start? Something that means a lot to me: my family. End of story.
Where do I start? Something that means a lot to me: my family. End of story.
Day Twenty-Five
My favorite super-hero and why:
Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet! And why? He's hunky. The end.
Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet! And why? He's hunky. The end.
Day Twenty-Four
I'm not posting a picture of the inside of my bag. Because its gross.
BUT...on any given day, you might find random bits of chocolate, gum, etc. in there. My wallet and cellphone are generally in there, although contents of my wallet, depending on use, might be floating around in there, too. Certain feminine products might be in there, too. Also, there are generally a carpet of receipts as well.
BUT...on any given day, you might find random bits of chocolate, gum, etc. in there. My wallet and cellphone are generally in there, although contents of my wallet, depending on use, might be floating around in there, too. Certain feminine products might be in there, too. Also, there are generally a carpet of receipts as well.
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